Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Missing Link: Intelligent Design and Al Qaeda

Scientists at Florida State University believe they've found a gene that predicts a person's likelihood of becoming a gang member. The discovery of the ‘gangster gene’ is hailed by human right activists, who vow to challenge our socially unjust legal system, and reverse cases where gang members were sentenced for crimes committed by their genes. 

Scientist are still perplexed by the origin of the gene that together with its cousin, the Obesity Gene (discovered in the UK in 2007), seem to have materialized in the US and the rest of the western world out of nowhere – in contradiction to anything we thought we knew about genes and evolution theory. 

“This is a big blow to Darwin, and the ultimate proof of Creationism and divine design”, hailed a source in the Church of Intelligent Design who refused to remain anonymous. Further questions by our correspondence about the intelligence of this design were dropped at the sight of a shotgun. 

Anonymous source in the not so intelligently designed intelligence services was heard blaming Al Qaeda biological warfare for spreading the genes, by penetrating every major food manufacturer in the country. “The fact that complete lack of obesity has been observed in Afghanistan, Somalia, Yemen or any of the countries Al Qaeda operates is the undisputable proof that this is biological warfare we are facing,” our source said. 

Food manufacturers around the country vow to do everything in their power to contribute to the anti Al Qaeda patriotic efforts and to their bottom line. They agreed to develop new technologies to modify the genes and introduce new chemical sterilization techniques to all foods they produce. This effort will be financed by a new anti Al Qaeda tax imposed on imported foods, and on any food manufacturer that is not a member of the CRFC (Contributing to Regulators Food Cartel).

4 comments:

nothingprofound said...

Hilarious! Of course all of this is absolutely true-I don't doubt a word of it.

ranfuchs said...

Actually the Gangster Gene announcement is true

Kelly said...

Funny with truth throughout the post. Corporations will sell whatever they want to us. Unfortunately, when they say something or something enough times, we, as Americans will literally eat it and go on with our routines. Blind and alright with it all.

Davis Lyons said...

This technology is not available at all yet, if it ever will be...